December has been an epic month for me so far. Why did I describe it as “epic”? Okay.. I’d rather say amazing to sound.. Nahh. It’s still epic.
I’ve been thinking about posting in my blog about who I really am: my mess, my selfishness, all about ME. A lot of confessions about how much I’m in dire need of a Savior, how much I need God. But thinking about it, why not post it TODAY?
This year had a lot of emotional and spiritual roller coasters. It has been a chaotic roller coaster ride. I think I was already drowned by my own wrongdoings. That’s how I pictured my year. DROWNED. I became so proud of myself, thinking that I can do this alone. I believed in myself. Believing in yourself is good, except when you became too proud of yourself. It’s unhealthful.
Isn’t it hard to accept that you’re too weak? That you sin a lot? That you really need people in your life who can help you? Fear simply stops me from opening up about my problems because I’m afraid they might think that I’m such a sinful person. Yes, everyone’s sinful but sometimes, we tend to think that another person is more sinful than the other one. We’re so blind to see that all of us have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+3:23). I mean, we already know it, but we still need to be reminded by the Holy Spirit over and over because I believe that we’re too forgetful. That’s (
our) my usual sickness.
This year, I experienced a lot of DOWNS. Well maybe, I only focus on those circumstances I fell down on my knees, struggling and crying. Yes, that’s me. I usually focus on the negative side. I stopped smiling always. I stopped fooling around and started being honest. VERY HONEST. I sometimes think that being way too honest hurts too. But when I do, I become too confused about how I really feel: am I simply being honest or am I fooling myself and the people around me already? I can’t go on talking about this part of myself this year since it’s becoming too complicated. I laughed at myself. Haha.
I learned that experiencing struggles and pain in life isn’t just about the sadness and anguish you feel. It’s about how you get up back again. It’s about how the people around you supported and stayed with you through the times you were so down and when you’re in the brink of defeat (when He already won for you). I learned that struggles won’t end but I also noticed that at the end of each struggle, you’ll learn something in life and something about yourself. Great, I learned that I’m such a wicked person.
Yes, a lot of you reading this who are close to me or know me personally might be surprised about me, saying that I’m such a wicked person. Honestly, I really am. Of course, I won’t let you see how crappy I am from the inside! You might not love me nor accept me as a person.
Isn’t it cool that most people can relate from one another’s troubles?
Anyway, sorry for a random question. This year, I learned this: “Each person has a story.” It made me relate with other people struggling. It made me think that, “Oh, yea. I’m not the only one who’s struggling. There are billions of people out there who are also problematic. It’s cool that God can manage to listen to our pleads and cries. He’s so patient.” That lesson made me realize that I am no better than you – all of you. It made me realize that everyone have their own past. I pray that God may lead me to the people who may understand me and my story.
I also learned from a close friend of mine that we must be grateful for this year. Yup, no matter what you’ve gone through. If you’re reading this and struggling with your faith in God, kudos to you, my brother! We can do this together. We can get through this mess. We may struggle for years, but remember that Someone already won the victory for us! Let it encourage us to go on through life. Don’t worry, I also came to a point wherein I was depressed for months (or maybe a year?) and asked God for answers yet no answers came. Stay faithful. Don’t let your struggles stop you from praying. If you need someone to talk to, approach those people you’re comfortable to open up with. 🙂
I thank God for this year even though most of the time, I looked at the darkest and negative sides of life. He taught me that looking and living in the darkness will only make me yearn for Him. And congratulations to me, I did yearn for Him. Haha~ I can’t say that I’m hoping for a better future because I’m becoming better as a person when I experience trials in life. It’s inevitable. All we have to do is to keep it together, have faith, and keep holding on to the One Who never leaves.
Happy 2014! 😉