Now that I am back with my head up, I am being active in my social network accounts again (Facebook and Twitter to be specific… is WordPress counted?). What happened last July? Why wasn’t I active? I said it in my recent post https://whoismaria.wordpress.com/2013/06/30/adios/.
How did I seek Him? I actually forgot HOW to seek Him. I started again like what I did before. I read books about Him. I read a book entitled “It’s OK To Be Not OK” by Rev. Rico Villanueva. I committed to read that book for the whole month of July, but gladly finished it before the end of July so I started reading another book (but it took me days to get over thinking about my insights from “It’s OK To Be Not OK”). Reading that book made me realize that what I feel (worried, down, sad, almost depressed and depressed) is OK because I am not alone. It is not okay when those “negative” emotions would really BE negative. God uses our emotions as human beings to glorify Him too.
How can He be glorified when we doubt and be sad? We get closer to Him by praying. I actually realized that if we feel like He’s not there, CONGRATULATIONS. It means that we really felt His presence and believed that He’s there even for a little while. We will never recognize nor appreciate His presence if we never felt His absence. We won’t be sad over the absence of something if we do not need it, anyway.
I spent my July with sadness and gladness, with confidence and pity, with hope and grace, and with faith and doubt. I became inactive in my congregation. When I attended services, I didn’t sing praises to Him because I doubted Him. I kept questioning His existence. I prayed without my personal self indulging in it. I forgot how to be passionate in Him, believing that everything I did to Him were all lies. I thought that what I did before, spending time with Him, reading my Bible alone in my room, etc. is all because I was told to do so. I thought that my heart wasn’t really in accord with my actions. I didn’t know what to believe anymore.
What I learned is that He’s always there. Like what I realized while having a good conversation with a friend, God lets us go through certain situations in life, may it be good or bad in our own opinion, for US to change and not for HIM to change. He never changes, anyway. He wants us to be open to Him, to let us go to Him in our worst state, to be US. He understands. I suddenly remembered a certain scene in the Bible (Old Testament) when God changed His mind in destroying Israel because of Moses. I believe that He’s always moved with our faith. I don’t want to state things that may be a lie but I think (this is only FOR ME) God’s blind spot is a person’s faith. I can’t explain it, but it seems like it.
Anyway, God molds us for a new level of faith. I had gone through such a tough season in my life, and I thank God because He promised victory for me. He promised that I will not always be in the deep because He wants me to go up again, to climb again to where the broken and hurt people are to testify how good He has been to me. He let me experience hurt and pain to connect with the same people who got hurt. He let me experience situations in my life so that I could relate myself with those people who are undergoing what I went through.
Like what a friend of mine prayed for me, “She will get back up stronger, God.” I’m still that girl who kept wearing a smile even when the days are dark. I felt that I wasn’t that girl anymore, but God helped me to get back up on my feet again to encourage people. I am going back to the battlefield, preparing to respond differently in life’s challenges. Surely, I cannot do this alone. I need His grace to conquer the battle within me. Now, I’m starting again. He gave me another day to experience His love and grace in my life. He gave me another day as another chance to change for the better.