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When I’m Feeling Down

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Picture not mine

Picture not mine

Yes, I also wondered why I posted this picture as a “cover picture” for this blog post of mine. I was really searching for quotes or photos of people that represent sadness or depression, but when I typed the word “down” with Google’s suggestion “feeling down”, this showed up and it made both me and my brother laugh. I love it when it happens.

Anyway, enough of Chewbacca. Time for another blooper moment. I typed “down” in Google Images search, and these were the images that appeared:

Image

Indeed, they’re down

I respect people who have down syndrome. They’re absolutely awesome. But when I’m so sad, and I was expecting for different results in Google Images, darn. I laughed a bit.

SERIOUSLY, enough of all these. I am so down, really. A lot of people who could see me personally can’t believe that I get down, that I get problems, that I have problems in managing time and that I have a hard time balancing my priorities. Why was I sad? Again, it’s because of my attitude. It feels as if I’m becoming too disrespectful to my parents. I have the guts to tell these things to you not because I’m proud of it, but because I believe that when the darkness is exposed to the light, it will vanish (Eph. 5:13). I learned it from my former leader in church.

When my parents touch me or talk to me, I become so irritated without knowing why. When they scold me when I do wrong, I complain, thinking, “That’s not even wrong! I am old enough to know what’s right and wrong.” My heart is becoming stubborn.

Have you ever felt this before? This feeling of thinking about a problem in your life; just a single problem in your life, then you’ll start over-thinking. When you started over-thinking, that problem becomes so big that you think the whole world is upon your shoulders. That’s a big problem now, and has become a burden in your heart too. That’s how I feel about myself now. But when I think about it, I battle it with a positive thought, “I’m fighting with it. I don’t have to stay down.” But you know what? I’m still down.

What I forgot was GOD. I put God out of my life. I put God out of the context. I put Him out of my mind and heart, in my soul and strength. I am not fighting WITH Him. I choose to forget about Him, and do it all on my own believing that I can. Yes, it’s said in Phil. 4:13 that “I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.” but am I really putting Christ as I apply it in my life? I try to change my attitude. I try to change my thinking. I try to change every negative thing in me without God’s help. I hope to practice and apply it in my life from now on. Putting God in every situation I’m in since I can’t really do this alone.

Let’s FIGHT on!

What’s With July?

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Image

this picture is not MINE

Now that I am back with my head up, I am being active in my social network accounts again (Facebook and Twitter to be specific… is WordPress counted?). What happened last July? Why wasn’t I active? I said it in my recent post https://whoismaria.wordpress.com/2013/06/30/adios/.

How did I seek Him? I actually forgot HOW to seek Him. I started again like what I did before. I read books about Him. I read a book entitled “It’s OK To Be Not OK” by Rev. Rico Villanueva. I committed to read that book for the whole month of July, but gladly finished it before the end of July so I started reading another book (but it took me days to get over thinking about my insights from “It’s OK To Be Not OK”). Reading that book made me realize that what I feel (worried, down, sad, almost depressed and depressed) is OK because I am not alone. It is not okay when those “negative” emotions would really BE negative. God uses our emotions as human beings to glorify Him too.

How can He be glorified when we doubt and be sad? We get closer to Him by praying. I actually realized that if we feel like He’s not there, CONGRATULATIONS. It means that we really felt His presence and believed that He’s there even for a little while. We will never recognize nor appreciate His presence if we never felt His absence. We won’t be sad over the absence of something if we do not need it, anyway.

I spent my July with sadness and gladness, with confidence and pity, with hope and grace, and with faith and doubt. I became inactive in my congregation. When I attended services, I didn’t sing praises to Him because I doubted Him. I kept questioning His existence. I prayed without my personal self indulging in it. I forgot how to be passionate in Him, believing that everything I did to Him were all lies. I thought that what I did before, spending time with Him, reading my Bible alone in my room, etc. is all because I was told to do so. I thought that my heart wasn’t really in accord with my actions. I didn’t know what to believe anymore.

What I learned is that He’s always there. Like what I realized while having a good conversation with a friend, God lets us go through certain situations in life, may it be good or bad in our own opinion, for US to change and not for HIM to change. He never changes, anyway. He wants us to be open to Him, to let us go to Him in our worst state, to be US. He understands. I suddenly remembered a certain scene in the Bible (Old Testament) when God changed His mind in destroying Israel because of Moses. I believe that He’s always moved with our faith. I don’t want to state things that may be a lie but I think (this is only FOR ME) God’s blind spot is a person’s faith. I can’t explain it, but it seems like it.

Anyway, God molds us for a new level of faith. I had gone through such a tough season in my life, and I thank God because He promised victory for me. He promised that I will not always be in the deep because He wants me to go up again, to climb again to where the broken and hurt people are to testify how good He has been to me. He let me experience hurt and pain to connect with the same people who got hurt. He let me experience situations in my life so that I could relate myself with those people who are undergoing what I went through.

Like what a friend of mine prayed for me, “She will get back up stronger, God.” I’m still that girl who kept wearing a smile even when the days are dark. I felt that I wasn’t that girl anymore, but God helped me to get back up on my feet again to encourage people. I am going back to the battlefield, preparing to respond differently in life’s challenges. Surely, I cannot do this alone. I need His grace to conquer the battle within me. Now, I’m starting again. He gave me another day to experience His love and grace in my life. He gave me another day as another chance to change for the better.

Hello, August!