This past few weeks, I have been so busy with school that’s why I wasn’t able to post entries for quite some time now.
I have started my mentoring sessions with my mentor, Ate Jeng. Since it started these past few weeks, I felt like God constantly speaks to me directly again like how it was during my first months of being a Believer (not a Belieber; there’s a big difference between those two). When I first heard the song Knock Knock by Lenka, I told God, “LORD, I know this isn’t an ordinary love song. And I know that You are speaking to me through this.”
These past few weeks, I am not having a regular quiet time with God because I don’t want to. Yes, I read the Bible, but it’s not in my heart to understand what He wants to tell me. I started to become stubborn. My heart started to become hard, and I felt down though I am happy (yes, it’s possible). Like what our youth pastor told us last night, “When I pray, I feel like God is a million miles away from me.” It’s a normal feeling (or, it’s more than a feeling) for us human beings. God would let us feel like that not to keep us burdened, but to lift us higher and to keep our faith for Him. He’s leveling up our faith in Him.
He has been telling me to seek Him continually because He wants that kind of heart – a heart who wants to hear from Him, a heart who desires Him passionately. I’d love to have that kind of heart. It’s said in Matthew 5:8, “God blesses those people whose hearts are pure. They will see Him!” Our hearts are really crucial when it comes to God. He looks at our hearts not at our abilities and our physical self (1 Samuel 16:7). No matter what our actions would be, He’d still look at our hearts. We look at the outward appearance of people, not their hearts. Though our actions would manifest through the overflow of our hearts (Luke 6:45), we could still lie through the actions we do. For example, I did you a favor, yet it’s not out of a willing heart but it was under compulsion. It will hurt you.. Maybe a lot.
I believe that this is the season for me to seek Him more. He wants me so badly. He misses me. I believe that it is not Him who walks away, but it is us, honestly. He stays. He never changes. He misses us, not us missing Him. As the lyrics of Kari Jobe’s song, The More I Seek You, “The more I seek You, the more I find You. The more I find You, the more I love You.” If I really desire Him in my life, I should continually seek Him and know Him through His Word. He has given us His Word not to hide it in our shelves or to stare at it in times of boredom, but He wants to speak to us through His Word. I love Him. I don’t want to be condemned by the enemy that I do love my God yet I don’t read His Word because there’s no condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1). Your love for God won’t tell how often you read His Word. We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). It is His love that we share. It is His love that’s in us.
I’d want to seek Him more these days. If I am willing to do that, then I will really do it.
“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The Spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” (Matthew 26:41 – NIV)